Sanctuary Page 8

  “We’re not human, no. But we’d appreciate you keeping that to yourself. We truly don’t mean anyone any harm.” I look down at the body. “And we’re going to try to get to the bottom of what happened here. If it’s one of the wolves at the sanctuary, we’ll make sure we take care of it.”

  She sighs. “Such a shame. The thing is, most of us sort of know the risks of living here. The wolves have a mystical energy, and I consider it a privilege to share the land with them, even though I know there are dangers. But Robert here was born in this town. He didn’t choose to take the risk.” She shakes her head quickly, as though waking up. “But I should let you work. I didn’t get anything from him earlier, but I hope you will.”

  And she’s gone, gliding back through the grass toward the others, calling out to ask whether people want to come in for mulled cider when it’s time to clear out.

  I can’t say Susannah has reintroduced me to my humanity, though I do like her. People probably think she’s a crackpot. Maybe she is. But she means well.

  I want to mean well. I do. I want to help.

  “Isn’t that enough?” I ask the body, the night, the void within me.

  But trying too hard never got me anywhere. When I fought against myself during training, I ended up stalled. I can’t want this too much. Can’t fight my vampire nature now as I once tried to fight my humanity.

  Instead, I sit on the cold ground, cross-legged, and check the thin chain of Susannah’s necklace to make sure it’s not made of silver. It’s not as immediately damaging to us as it is to werewolves, but it saps our strength and connection to our power. That’s the last thing I need.

  Stainless steel, but finely made. Perfect.

  I clasp the necklace around my neck, allowing the heavy stone to settle above my heart. I close my eyes and draw the night air deep into my lungs as I place my hands on the body. The night is my element now. Death is my home. I am everything I will ever be. If the gift I experienced before is truly mine, it will come to me.

  And with that thought, a shadow whispers across the field. I keep my eyes closed. I’m not likely to see anything with them open. There’s nothing for a minute except for a faint whiff of fear and uncertainty. It’s not like the overwhelming emotions I felt from the vampires’ victims, but it’s a connection.

  A shadow rises before me. Not human. Animal. That’s all I can tell, though. The harder I try to bring it into focus, the vaguer it becomes, so I let it go.

  There. Pointed ears. Pain. Confusion.

  The emotions become stronger as the shadow wolf attacks. And then there’s nothing.

  I open my eyes slowly and rub my fingers over the smooth surface of the pendant. It’s probably something like the magic feather the elephant had in that movie that helped him believe he could fly. A placebo. Susannah said it would open me, so it did.

  Not a bad little trick.

  I stand and brush the dirt off my pants, and Daniel approaches, footsteps silent even over the dry grass. “Anything?”

  “It was a wolf. Or a massive, wolf-shaped wild dog.” I chew my lip as I think it over. “No. It was one of ours.”

  “You’re sure?”

  I nod. “I didn’t think of it before, but it makes sense that the impressions would be stronger when there’s supernatural involvement in the death. That suicide we visited in town was really faint, but even she still had a bit of us in her, didn’t she?”

  Daniel nods, but says nothing. He has his reasons for feeling ambivalent about that one.

  “With this one, I hardly got anything until the wolf attacked, and then the emotions spiked. It wasn’t quite as overwhelming as the rogues’ victims, but it was significant.” I shrug. “It’s a hypothesis.”

  “It’s a reasonable one, I suppose,” he says.

  “Thanks.”

  He smiles. “For what?”

  I look back at Susannah, who’s standing comfortably outside the group of living humans and Paul. “For not treating me like this is as weird as it actually is.”

  He heads back toward the Jeep, and I fall in beside him. “It is that. But as I told you before, if you have a gift that can be helpful to us, I’m not going to tell you not to use it.” He nods toward Paul, who’s approaching. “Just keep it quiet.”

  Right. Even if I’ve found a way to access it without my connection to life, my gift is still essentially empathy. Not a desirable trait in a vampire.

  Paul stops, held back by the mayor’s ongoing prattling.

  “You want to come by my room later?” I ask Daniel before anyone gets close enough to hear. All I want right now is to step into his arms. He won’t warm me, but it would be comforting to have someone hold me while the last of that kid’s death-panic dissipates. I can’t help craving his touch, his voice in my ear, just being close to him and knowing I’m not alone.

  His brow furrows, but the expression disappears as quickly as it came. “Not tonight.”

  He doesn’t offer any other explanation, and I don’t ask. It has to do with propriety, I assume. Not that we shouldn’t be fucking, but that it can’t turn into more.

  Maybe that means he’s feeling it like I am. The danger of getting too close. The desire to do it anyway, consequences be damned.

  Or maybe I’m in way deeper than he is.

  I try to open myself to him. I should be able to, as I have before. He can let me in if he wants to. But I can’t get anything from him. Not standing there, not on the drive back.

  No matter how hard I clutch Susannah’s magic feather, Daniel has closed himself to me.

  Chapter Seven

  “What a mess.” Paul sinks to the sofa in the common room and cradles his head in his hands. “Everything’s been quiet for so long. I mean, we had problems. I just never thought I’d see the day when I’d look back fondly on those problems because they weren’t as bad as this shit.”

  “We’ll take care of it,” Daniel tells him. His phone rings, and he moves to the kitchen to answer.

  I want to offer Paul some kind of reassurance, but I’m not sure what to say. It would be one thing if the wolf had attacked us. But this was a living human. An outsider.

  “I still hope it was a dog,” Paul says.

  I hold my tongue. I want tell him I’m confident it wasn’t so we can move on to whatever comes next, but I can’t. If I did, I’d have to explain how I know.

  “No one has reported losses to wild dogs around here,” is all I can offer.

  “No, I understand,” Daniel says to whoever’s on the phone. When I glance back, he’s watching me, even as he’s clearly focused on the conversation. “I’ll be there as soon as I can. No, wouldn’t miss it. Of course. What about—”

  He listens.

  “Right. Well, I’ll see, but I don’t—yes. I suppose so, but that will be up to her.”

  My flesh chills. Paul glances over at me and raises his eyebrows. Daniel has to know we’re both listening, but he doesn’t step out of the room before finishing up the conversation and putting the phone away.

  Paul and I both turn to look over the back of the sofa at him. “Well?” I ask.

  “The hunt is back on. They have a lead on Christopher. I might not make it back in time for the capture, but I’d like to be in on the interrogation.”

  My stomach hardens into a knot. I know Daniel is capable and experienced, and he’ll be working with a good team. But I don’t like the idea of him going after Katya’s bodyguard. Those two never liked each other at the best of times.

  Daniel’s eyes are practically glowing. I’ve never seen him on the hunt, but I’m aware of his reputation and can well imagine him enjoying this work. It makes me remember what Katya said about how hunting rogues is an outlet for those who might otherwise be inclined to hunt the living.

  Maybe I should envy him that release, given my own inclinations.

  “I didn’t know they were looking for him,” I say, hoping he’ll remember whatever he’s supposed to be asking me if we keep talking.
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  “They assumed he’d left the country. Katya has insisted from the start that he wasn’t involved, even as she was only too happy to offer up all of the others. But we have our suspicions.”

  I rest my chin on the back of the sofa. “Think there’s more to those two than what met the naked eye?”

  Daniel frowns. “I very much doubt it. Katya had her flaws, but they were on the side of adhering too closely to her vampiric nature. Romance certainly wasn’t one of her sins.”

  I try not to take that personally, but it’s impossible.

  “So you’re abandoning us in our hour of need?” Paul asks, sounding like he’s only half joking.

  “No. Just you.” Daniel looks to me. “Aviva, you’re welcome to come back to the city with me if you don’t feel up to staying. They’ll send a replacement to assist Paul.”

  Paul scowls. “Don’t suppose they offered to send anyone to replace me.” He gathers his trucker cap from the coffee table and scoops up the book he left there last night. “I’ll be in my room. Let me know what you decide.”

  The room is silent as I unpack the seemingly simple offer, pacing by the window as I think.

  “Why are you really here?” I ask.

  Daniel’s lips narrow to a stern line. “I’m here because I offered to get you settled.”

  “But not only that. You’re assessing me, aren’t you? Seeing if I can be trusted out here. If I’m competent. Something.”

  He rolls his shoulders back, stretching, and moves toward me. “Miranda did ask me to make sure everything seemed all right. You did well in your recovery, but they have to be careful.” He stops in front of me, and I have to look up to make eye contact. “I promise I wasn’t spying on you. Not even at the house when you fed. The elders may have questions about you, given the killing and your strange gifts, but I don’t. As I just said on the phone, it’s up to you whether you want to return to the city. I certainly trust that the sanctuary would be in good hands with you here, but you don’t have to stay.”

  I search deep in his hazel eyes, but Daniel never gives anything away. He’s so fucking neutral when he wants to be, and it makes it hard to react without feeling like I’m overreacting.

  “I do want to get out of here,” I say slowly, reaching deep within my power to open myself to him. I sense little other than a shift in his well-concealed power that hints at slight wariness, and maybe I’m just projecting that onto him. Something feels wrong, though.

  “But?” he asks.

  It takes me a moment to understand what’s troubling me. “They offered the replacement, right? You didn’t ask for it?”

  He frowns. “Yes.”

  “Why?”

  “I don’t know. Because they’ve heard what’s happening out here, maybe, and you’re inexperienced. To offer you another chance in town.”

  I pace again. I can’t look at him when I’m trying to think, or all I’ll want is to be with him.

  It bothers me that they suggested I come back to town. They must know I want to go, but that can’t be why they offered. They’re vampires, not genies, and I certainly haven’t earned special treatment.

  I remember the thick leather file Miranda held when I met her for my assessment back in the spring, stuffed full of papers outlining every one of my past failures. My failure to adjust to life as a vampire. My failure to let go of the light and the idea that I was a creature with a soul. My failure to access my power and develop the skills that came so easily to others who embraced their fates. New notes would have been added after my recent debriefing, outlining the gift I finally accessed via empathy for the living—a failure in itself, no matter the outcome of the case.

  Understanding hits me like a bucket of cold water to the face. They expect me to fail out here.

  Or worse, someone wants me to.

  I want to go back to St. John’s, but doing so would be the end of my chances to prove myself. I don’t know how I know that, but I do. Maybe it’s just because vampires don’t encourage second chances. Me coming out here was supposed to be punishment under the guise of probation. It was meant to keep me quiet, put me in my place.

  Now that something is actually happening here, I have a chance to turn things around for myself. And they don’t want me to take it.

  Daniel is watching me closely. He can’t see my thoughts as Miranda would, but they must be clear as the stars, written across my features as anger builds in me.

  And yet he stays silent.

  “What should I do?” I ask. “No. What do you want me to do?”

  He holds my gaze, calm and steady. “It doesn’t matter what I want.”

  “It matters to me.”

  He clenches his jaw. “It shouldn’t,” he says. “You know that.”

  My chest tightens. “I see.”

  He closes his eyes and turns away, and for a moment he’s open to me. I don’t know whether it’s intentional or whether it’s just that he’s as confused and overwhelmed as I am right now. He’s torn. He wants me, I know he does. It’s not love. I don’t know if he’s capable of that after so long in the darkness. But there’s something.

  Stronger than that, though, I feel the iron will and self-control he’s using to suppress his emotions. He takes loyalty to Maelstrom more seriously than anything, and clings to his vampire nature as though it can somehow shield him from whatever heartbreak led to him rejecting his humanity so thoroughly. I’ve shaken him since I came into his life, opened him to the potential for pain.

  But I won’t break him. I see that now. To go back to town with him, even if he said he wanted me to, would cost me everything. I would trade my one chance to prove myself and get nothing in return.

  I could go back to the city. They’d probably find a quiet position for me somewhere. Accounting. File work for our scientists. Maybe I’d have Daniel sometimes. Maybe he’d even seek me out. But we wouldn’t have anything that’s worth sacrificing my future for.

  And that’s what this is about. My future. I hate this place. I hate the wolves more every day I have to deal with them, no matter how open-minded I try to be. I don’t want to stay and figure this out. I don’t want to go up against the strength of their packs and face their hate every day with only Paul here to keep me company.

  But.

  “I’m staying. I need to see this through.”

  Surprise flashes across his features, though only momentarily. Then the mask is back on.

  “I understand.” I think there’s relief in his voice, but he’s closed himself to me again.

  “You still see me as a danger, don’t you?” I ask, remembering a conversation months ago when he said he knew I was trouble as soon as he laid eyes on me. “Not my gift. Not the way the elders might see me as a danger. But to you personally.”

  He swallows hard, but doesn’t answer.

  “I believe you when you say you came because you wanted to and not because they ordered it,” I continue. “But it was against your better judgement, wasn’t it? Daniel, are you running away from me?”

  His lip curls, baring a hint of his fangs. “I never run. But yes, I have had my doubts about our close quarters. You make me feel things I haven’t felt in decades. I held it in check through your training, and when it was released…” He shakes his head. “We can’t allow this to go on. If you want my answer, here it is. What I want, if I were being selfish and weak, is to take you back to the city and hide you in your old room and keep you there. To take you to the club to feed, have you waiting when I return from hunts.” He steps closer again, into my space. “To fuck you until you beg for mercy, until we’re both exhausted, until your screams shake the stars from the sky. To take pleasure from your body like I draw life from a human’s. To make our own life together, or whatever might pass for it.”

  A shiver passes over my skin. He leans in so that his forehead almost touches mine. “But that’s not a thing we can have. Ever.” He steps back, leaving me feeling like I’m on the edge of a precipice that’s cru
mbling beneath me. “No matter what you want, or what I want. We are vampires, Aviva. We cannot long for the experiences of the living, or the light. Our alliances are ones of convenience and security, not…” He hesitates. “Not desire.”

  “That’s not what you were going to say.”

  “It doesn’t matter.” His brows gather to shadow his eyes as he looks me over. “Do as you wish. I may have created you, but you have your freedom. Come back with me if you want to. Stay here if you feel it’s what you should do. Decide with your head, not your heart.”

  My heart hasn’t beat in more than two years. Its silence rings through me now. The heart has no place for us.

  “You’re right. I stay.” I straighten my shoulders. “Thank you for making the decision easy for me. I’ll do my best for Maelstrom here.”

  And I will. I’ll prove myself. I won’t let the wolves intimidate me or get the upper hand. I will become as cold and committed as Daniel is, not wishing for what I can’t have. I’ve been there and done that, back when I wished for life and humanity. I don’t want to hurt like that again. Acceptance is better, even if it stings now.

  I will learn. I will move on.

  “Good.” His voice has gone rough, and he clears his throat before speaking again. “I’ll be in my room packing if you need anything else.”

  “Fine.”

  I don’t want to be mad at him. He never promised me anything more than this. But I can’t help what I want, what I secretly wished for in a heart that’s not nearly as still as I hoped it was.

  He turns back. “Please call me if you need anything. Don’t become isolated like Paul and Gordon did. Let me know you’re—” He cuts himself off. “Well. Let me know how things go with the investigation.”

  “Shouldn’t I be reporting to the Department of Unnatural Resources?”

  “Yes. But I will remain interested in what my student accomplishes.”